“Not Everyone Is a Narcissist”: Why Misusing the Label Can Do More Harm Than Good

Self focus v empathy

In today’s relationship discourse, the word narcissist is flung around like emotional confetti. Friends caution each other about toxic partners. Social media posts feature stories of emotional devastation, all pinned to the same diagnosis. It’s become common to describe almost any dismissive or selfish behaviour as narcissistic.

But is this trend helping us understand ourselves and others—or simply oversimplifying pain?

What Narcissism Really Means

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a clinical diagnosis marked by a pattern of grandiosity, a persistent need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. It affects an estimated 0–6.2% of the population. While some traits—like entitlement or arrogance—might seem familiar, many people who get labelled as narcissists don’t meet the clinical threshold. They might be emotionally immature, avoidant, or shaped by their own trauma, not necessarily disordered.

Pop Psychology and the Rise of the “Everyday Narcissist”

Search trends and social hashtags suggest narcissism is everywhere, but the truth is more nuanced. Overuse of psychological language can blur the lines between genuine relational harm and ordinary human flaws. As Psychology Today and other research-backed sources point out, pop psychology often promotes a distorted version of narcissism, reducing it to a set of red flags and quotable memes.

The Role of the Label in Therapy

As a therapist, I often witness how the label narcissist serves a purpose: it offers a client validation after an emotionally wounding relationship. It can feel like a protective shield or a rallying cry—I wasn’t crazy. I was mistreated. That recognition matters deeply.

But the label can also become a stop sign to curiosity. When we define someone solely through the lens of narcissism, we risk missing the complex interplay of attachment wounds, power dynamics, and learned behaviours that shaped the relationship.

What if, instead of asking “Were they a narcissist?”, we asked “What did I experience in that relationship?” That shift invites deeper healing, encouraging clients to reconnect with their inner knowing rather than outsource meaning to a label.

Vulnerable vs Grandiose Narcissism

Research also reveals a spectrum of narcissistic traits—including vulnerable narcissism, which presents quite differently from the stereotypical grandiose type. Traits may include hypersensitivity, passive-aggression, or a deep fear of rejection cloaked in self-importance. These subtler dynamics are rarely captured in casual conversations but often show up in the therapy room.

Why Caution Matters

Of course, narcissistic abuse is real and can be emotionally devastating. Patterns such as gaslighting, love bombing, and coercive control shouldn’t be downplayed. But not every painful experience in a relationship warrants a clinical diagnosis. Labelling someone a narcissist without proper assessment not only oversimplifies their behaviour—it can also prevent us from processing the deeper layers of grief, anger, or confusion we carry.

A Call for Clarity and Compassion

Perhaps it’s time to reclaim nuance. To speak with more precision. And to recognise that the person who hurt us may not be disordered—but rather deeply human and deeply flawed.

Just like all of us.