Understanding Trauma Bonding in Relationships

Withdrawing Affection

She told me she felt like she was going mad. One moment, he was tender, bringing her tea and brushing her hair from her face. The next, he’d go cold. He would withdraw affection and say things that made her question her memory, her worth, and her grip on reality. In her attempts to make things better, she tried harder, apologised more, and shrank herself to fit the shape of what he needed. When he softened again, she felt a relief so intense that it felt like love.

Soothing the Hurt

This is the shape trauma bonding often takes. It doesn’t always look like shouting or bruises. Sometimes, it’s the slow erosion of self, the confusion that arises when care is laced with control. It’s the feeling of being tethered to someone who hurts you but also soothes the hurt. This experience is more common than we think.

Recognising the Signs

In therapy, I often meet people who feel stuck in relationships that don’t feel safe, yet also seem impossible to escape. They might say, “I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t leave,” or “I don’t even know who I am without them.” These aren’t signs of weakness. They are signs of a nervous system doing its best to survive.

Feeling Unsafe

Trauma bonding occurs when our brains and bodies become wired to expect inconsistency. If you’ve grown up with love that was conditional, unpredictable, or unsafe, your system may have learned to cling tightly when things feel uncertain. You might find yourself drawn to intensity, mistaking it for intimacy. You might feel responsible for someone else’s moods or justify behaviour that, deep down, you know isn’t okay.

Leaving a trauma bond isn’t just about walking away. It’s about untangling the threads of fear, shame, and longing. It’s about grieving the version of the relationship you hoped for. It’s also about learning to trust your own instincts again, especially if they’ve been dismissed or distorted.

Building Emotional Safety

In my work, we start gently. We name the pattern without blame. We explore the early experiences that shaped your expectations of love and safety. We notice how your body responds to certain dynamics—tight chest, racing heart, the urge to fix or freeze. Together, we build emotional safety slowly and respectfully, allowing you to begin to feel what healthy connection might look like.

Relieving the Pain

Healing from trauma bonding doesn’t mean forgetting or erasing the past. It means learning to recognise the difference between love and loyalty to pain. It means building relationships where you don’t have to earn your worth. Where calm doesn’t feel like abandonment. Where you can breathe.

The Journey to Healing

If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. These patterns are deeply human, and they can shift. Therapy offers a space to explore, feel, and rewire. You don’t have to do it all at once. You just have to begin.

Embracing Change

As we navigate this journey together, remember that change is possible. It’s okay to seek support and to take small steps towards a healthier relationship with yourself and others. Each step you take is a step towards healing.

Finding Your Voice

In therapy, you will find your voice again. You will learn to express your needs and desires without fear. You will discover that your feelings are valid and deserve to be heard. This process takes time, but it is worth it.

Moving Forward

As you move forward, keep in mind that you are worthy of love that is kind, consistent, and nurturing. You deserve relationships that uplift you and allow you to thrive.

If you’re ready to explore these feelings further, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can work towards a brighter, more fulfilling future.

If you’re looking for compassionate support, I’m here for you. At Elizabeth Therapy, I provide trauma-informed counselling and psychotherapy in Leicestershire and Northamptonshire borders. My goal is to offer emotionally safe, personalised support for those navigating grief, loss, anxiety, and life transitions. You don’t have to face this alone. Let’s take this journey together.