Why Do I Keep Choosing Painful Relationships? Understanding Repetition Compulsion

“I saw the red flags. I knew it would hurt. So why did I go ahead anyway?”

If you’ve ever asked yourself this, you’re not alone. Many people find themselves stuck in patterns of choosing relationships that feel familiar but end up causing pain. It’s confusing, frustrating, and often deeply upsetting. In therapy, one of the most common questions I hear is, “Why do I keep doing this to myself?”

The answer often lies in something called repetition compulsion.

What Is Repetition Compulsion?

Repetition compulsion is a psychological pattern where we unconsciously repeat emotional experiences from our past, especially those that were painful or unresolved. It’s not about wanting to suffer. It’s about the mind trying to make sense of something that never felt finished.

If you grew up feeling abandoned, criticised, or emotionally unsafe, you might find yourself drawn to relationships that echo those early experiences. Deep down, there’s often a hope that this time, things will be different. That this time, you’ll be chosen, understood, or protected.

Why Familiar Pain Feels Safer Than Unknown Joy

We don’t just seek love, we seek what feels familiar. And if pain was part of your emotional landscape growing up, it can feel like home. Even when we know a relationship might hurt us, we sometimes walk into it because it mirrors something we already know.

Repetition compulsion isn’t a weakness. It’s a survival strategy. It’s your nervous system saying, “I recognise this. I’ve been here before. Maybe this time, I’ll get it right.”

How Repetition Compulsion Shows Up

You might notice it in patterns like:

• Choosing emotionally unavailable partners and hoping they’ll finally choose you

• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, just like you did as a child

• Avoiding kindness or stability because it feels unfamiliar or suspicious

• Recreating dynamics of abandonment, control, or neglect

These patterns aren’t random. They’re rooted in early emotional experiences that shaped how you relate to others and to yourself.

What Healing Looks Like

Healing starts with awareness. When you begin to notice the pattern, you can start to make different choices. Therapy can help you explore questions like:

• What am I trying to resolve through this relationship

• What did I need back then that I’m still searching for now

• Can I offer myself the safety and care I keep seeking from others

You don’t have to force change. You just need to start noticing. With support, you can begin to build new emotional pathways—ones that include joy, stability, and relationships that feel safe and nourishing.

A Final Thought

If you’ve found yourself in a cycle of painful relationships, you’re not broken. You’re trying to heal. And that’s a brave and beautiful thing.

Working With Me

I work gently and collaboratively, helping you make sense of the patterns that shape your relationships and emotional world. Whether you're navigating grief, anxiety, or the feeling that you're always holding things together for others, therapy can offer a space to pause, reflect, and begin again. If you're curious about why you keep choosing relationships that hurt, or why certain feelings seem hard to reach, you're not alone. You're welcome to get in touch and explore whether this kind of work might support you.